True Heart of Worship
Church of God (Seventh Day) Independent
Church of God (Seventh Day) Independent
Until the 1960s, in this country and Canada, most people went to church and had some knowledge about the Bible. They understood marriage and that God does not approve of adultery or divorce. The laws of most states had been modeled after the Bible. Most states only allowed divorce in very few cases. Some states did not allow divorce at all.
Beginning in 1960, many people stopped attending churches. Of them, many started demanding divorces. The laws began to change. Now it is easy to get a divorce in every state.
This leaked into the church as some church people started getting divorces. Now the divorce rate in churches is very close to the divorce rate in society.
One result of this was that pastors, should they dare to teach about marriage, would face the anger of some members of their congregation. Those people didn't appreciate being told they had done wrong. Instead of repenting they preferred to have the pastor stop saying they had done wrong.
The result of this was that few pastors taught about marriage. The result of that was that very few people in the congregation understood marriage, which resulted in more divorces and people being in relationships where they should not have been.
Another consequence was that some pastors and other teachers began to find ways to twist the scriptures to allow the divorces and remarriages their congregation wanted.
In this lesson we will look at marriage from a legal perspective. Marriage isn't only that, of course. It is also a relationship and the basis for a family. What gets Christians into trouble with God, in our time, is not understanding the legal perspective.
This lesson is essentially a summary of a much larger lesson at http://ourhope.site/2017-03-13%20MarriageDivorceAdultery/MDA.html
One thing that confuses many Christians is that there are two kinds of marriage. There is a civil marriage - where society says you are married and there is God's marriage covenant where God binds two people together.
These two are not connected in any way. God is not interested in the marriages created by society. For the most part, society doesn't believe in God.
A civil marriage in our time is mostly related to tax status and government programs. As mentioned above there was a time when society had a say in who could be married. Now society will marry just about anyone to anyone or anything. God doesn't respect any of that. He has his own definition for marriage.
Due to these two different sources of the definition for marriage, there are 4 different situations that can result.
It is important to keep these two kinds of marriage separated. Conflating them has resulted in a lot of worldly ideas getting into the church
From now on, we'll be talking mostly about the God marriage.
Our God is a God of covenants. He has created many and each has different characteristics. Some covenants are more like promises to a person or group of people. Other covenants have entrance requirements and maintenance requirements.
The marriage covenant is most like the new covenant that Jesus put in place. That covenant has the entrance requirements, "believe", "repent", and "be baptized". Without those a person cannot enter. It also has maintenance requirements, 'continue to believe", "represent yourself as married", and "no mortal sin".
The marriage covenant has the entrance requirements, "one man and one woman", and "lasts for a lifetime". Implicitly there is the requirement that you "believe the covenant exists" and that requires believing God exists and created the covenant. It also has the maintenance requirements, "no adultery" and "continue living".
Obviously they must be old enough and have the mental faculties to understand the terms of the covenant. The Bible also indicates that puberty is necessary for it to be meaningful.
The marriage covenant is very different because of these terms. It is a covenant between our bodies and not our spirits.
[…] the two of them shall be one flesh (Matthew 19:5)
When either person dies, the covenant ends and no part of it continues.
Perhaps the most important things to understand are two effects of the covenant.
Here is something that is hard for modern Christians to accept. A man can be in multiple marriage covenants. This was practiced in Old Testament times and God found no fault in it. God's only statement about it was not to have too many.
These relationships are multiple marriages, not three-somes or four-somes.
What is the point of entering this covenant? Why would you want to? There must be something to gain from it.
This covenant makes it acceptable to have a sexual relationship. Any sexual relationship without this covenant is adultery. That includes masturbation and imagination.
This covenant of one man and one woman also creates the optimum environment for raising children.
This is also the reason why a woman cannot be involved in multiple marriages like a man can. The result would be men who don't know which children are theirs and the child may grow up essentially fatherless or with no strong father figure. That doesn't happen when only men are in multiple marriages.
The things therefore that God has united […] (Matthew 19:6)
In this verse Jesus is talking about marriage as being a man and a woman that God has united. That's another thing that is difficult for modern Christians to accept. No pastor, priest, nor sea captain can unite a man and woman in marriage. They are united by God according to their desire to be united and their acceptance of the terms.
There is no need for a church or ceremony either. Adam and Eve didn't have a church or ceremony. However, it is good and wise to receive the blessing of your congregation and community.
The church can play an important role, however. It can teach the couple about the terms of the covenant.
It's also necessary to ensure that everyone knows about the marriage. There is a problem in the relationship if two people consider themselves married but are hiding it from everyone. A public ceremony helps in this regard as does a ring or other culturally accepted sign.
There is only one way to exit the covenant that is acceptable to God, the death of one of the people. Every other way involves adultery. There is no divorce / remarriage.
The things therefore that God has united, let not a man separate. (Matthew 9:6)
If one spouse persists in adultery, that breaks the covenant and the other spouse is free to remarry. The problem with this exit is "who determines what is persistent?" It's really the same question as the one from the New Covenant, "When has a person turned away from God?" Only God knows for sure.
While civil divorces may be allowed, they mean nothing to God. There is no divorce in a God marriage. Moses, with the acceptance of God, allowed a civil divorce to happen. From God's perspective their rejection of his standards only resulted in adultery.
He said to them, "Moses, confronting the callousness of your heart, let you divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so." 9 But I say to you, "Whoever divorces his wife apart from adultery and will take another, commits adultery, and whoever will take her who is divorced commits adultery." (Matthew 9:8)
God wants the couple to work things out so they can grow together. No marriage is always going to be easy. Some marriages have frequent problems. These need to be seen as opportunities to grow.
There are times, though, when it may be unsafe or unwise to remain in the family home. These do not justify breaking up the marriage though. The option available is to separate and try to resolve the problem.
But he said to them, "Not every man can receive this saying, except he to whom it is given. 12 For there are eunuchs who were born so from their mother's womb and there are eunuchs who became eunuchs by men and there are those who have made themselves eunuchs for the cause of the Kingdom of Heaven. Whoever can receive it let him receive it." (Matthew 19:11-12)
Jesus' point in these discretely worded verses is that the standard is very high - an asexual (eunuch) existence until the problem is resolved, one spouse becomes a persistent adulterer, or death takes one of the spouses.
The Catholic church doesn't get very many things correct but they do understand this. They will only allow divorced people who live together into communion if they have vowed to live as brother and sister, friends without benefits.
There is a living example of a Christian keeping this standard. Dr. Charles Stanley, pastor and well-known television evangelist was separated from his wife because she was unhappy in the marriage. The board of his church informed him that, if he ever married again, they would remove him as pastor. He agreed and has not re-married.
Many people have the idea that they have a right to a marriage. That isn't the case.
Consider the possibility that abuse exists in the husband/wife relationship and they have not been able to resolve it themselves. The logical remedy would be to seek counseling and have the couple reconcile. But the truth of the matter is that in many cases, the abuser may not think he or she is doing anything wrong and may either not accept counseling or may undermine the effectiveness it may offer by either not being sincere or refusing to cooperate.
First we must define what is domestic abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline says some of the signs of an abusive relationship include a spouse who:
In a perfect world, a couple with problems would seek out some form of intervention and everyone would come to their senses and the marriage would continue, better than before.
In a situation like this, it is difficult for a minister or counselor to encourage an abused spouse to remain in a marriage if the offending spouse refuses to make the necessary changes in a marriage. Separation may be the only recourse to take in these circumstances. With what conscience could a counselor sign off on a marriage counseling if the counselor suspects that the victim of spousal abuse could be further damaged or even killed?
From a Biblical point of view, it does make a difference if a married couple is Christian or not:
The marriage is not acceptable to God and never existed. It only exists as a civil marriage.
However, the world offers a range of legal remedies from separation, to restraining orders, to divorce and remarriage.
A Christian is not to marry an unbeliever so this relationship should not exist except where:
Obviously, a Christian counselor's first interest will be in bringing the unbeliever to faith. If that cannot be done, the most clear verse on the subject is the following:
But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. 13 And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. 15 But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. (1 Corinthians 7:12-15)
Verse 15 states that if the unbeliever departs then he or she should depart. But what does the term depart mean? It means the unbelieving spouse has abandoned the marriage. Then a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. That is to say, that person is not required to stay in the marriage but can be separated.
The unbelieving spouse may seek a civil divorce and may later remarry. None of that is a concern to the believing spouse. The original marriage never existed, as far as God was concerned, or it was destroyed when the believer became an unbeliever.
If both spouses are Christians it seems like the love of God within them would find a solution. This doesn't happen sometimes.
Of course, all the world's legal remedies are available to them, even a civil divorce. This divorce does not break the marriage that God put together, though. Only death and adultery break a marriage. Jesus was quite clear that remarriage after divorce is adultery. If abuse is present God's preference is that they separate and continue to work toward resolving their problems.
Marriage is still a sacred institution and should not be entered into recklessly. It is important to marry the right person, so premarital counseling is essential. Many potential problems can be avoided with this type of counseling. There have been instances in Pastor Joe's experience where he has advised certain couple not to marry. Those that have, have gone on to have a disastrous marriage.
Pastor Joe has also counseled couples in which spousal abuse has occurred. In many cases, the problems were resolved through prayer and counseling. But on rare occasions, Pastor Joe has had the difficult task of advising that the marriage not continue. In such instances, he has asked for a second opinion of another experienced counselor. In all these cases there was a consensus for a separation. In some cases, couples have reunited and continued their marriage after a trial separation.
It is imperative that we understand the significant difference between separation before conversion and after conversion. The previous discussion has been centered around separation when it includes two believers. But if a separation has occurred prior to conversion, regardless of the circumstances that surround the separation, it can be forgiven along with any other sin.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9 KJV)
The Word of God is very clear in that all sin or unrighteousness will be forgiven upon repentance and acceptance of the free gift of grace from our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
The other issue is that when marriages have taken place prior to conversion, couples may have been married civilly but not before the eyes of God. In this instance, such a marriage may not have been a real marriage in the first place. In that case, not continuing with a marriage that was not sanctioned by God from the beginning, may not be considered a real separation or divorce. So, as we can see, the issue of marriage and separation or divorce is not really a black and white issue because there are a lot of grey areas in between.
Marriage is important to God. Keeping all the promises and vows that we make is also related. Unfortunately there has been a long period when many Christians trivialized marriage, seeking their own comfort instead of seeking God's will.